Look, I knew what I was getting into when I moved my ass back to the Midwest. Football, freezing winters and casseroles. For real, did you know you can feed six at a potluck with not much more than a can of cream soup and some Tater Tots?
But this winter has gone too far. The temperature has been below zero all weekend, nobody’s car is starting, and my skin feels like dust. I can’t take it any more. There are only so many pairs of socks a girl can wear until the Air Force Ones don’t fit!
I need summer back. But until then, I’ll have to settle for a couple of these warm, sunny jammies. With a nice hot casserole, of course.
Bar-Kays Too Hot to Stop Too Hot to Stop, 1976
Filthy funk; if this doesn’t make your ass sweat, your ass must be broke. Or you’re not looking at the picture above closely enough. Thank God for this song. Nobody’s asking you to stop, Bar-Kays.
Leon Ware Why I Came to California 12″, 1982
Motown producer and Detroit native Leon Ware knew how to do it. Knock out a few masterpieces for Marvin Gaye like “After the Dance” and “I Want You,” then get your shit out to the West Coast, where you’ll never scrape another damn windshield. Write a song about it.
The Sun Sun Is Here Sunburn, 1978
Oh lawd, The Sun! These poor freezing boys from Dayton, Ohio knew what it was like to wreck a pair of gators in the snow. What to do? Write this heater to fight off the elements, of course. Sadly, this was their only hit, so they’re probably still in Dayton in front of the radiator right now.
Big Daddy Kane Warm It Up, Kane It’s a Big Daddy Thing, 1989
Nobody warms it up like the Kane. I heard he never gets cold.
Lupe Fiasco Sunshine Food & Liquor, 2006
Lupe’s from Chicago, so not only does he have deep knowledge of the cold, he’s withstood the crazy gale force winds they get down there. This joint’s so pretty, you almost forget it’s off an album named for the corner stores all over Chicagoland. Stores Lupe probably walked through the blizzards to get to. Ooh, look at me, I just made a circle!
You already know who Edwin Starr is from that hippie “War” song he did way back in 1970. I heard that damn song so many times, I’m starting to think it was written by the government or The Gap or some shit.
It’s not that it’s such a horrible song - back in the day, it killed. The Temptations even recorded it for Psychedelic Shack, but they wanted to avoid controversy. So they were all, “Oh, give it to that new guy with the turtleneck. He looks like he marches for stuff.”
So Edwin Starr recorded the song, tore up the airwaves, sold some damn records, and promptly sent his career downhill. He’d had some successes in the years leading up that song, but after “War” he was pigeonholed as a protest singer, and never had another hit so big after that.
And it’s too bad, because Edwin could sang. His voice was so soulful, growling, and desperate, he could probably make “What a Friend We Have in Jesus” sound like “Hot Pants.”
Check some Edwin:
Edwin Starr Twenty-Five Miles 25 Miles, 1969
Edwin’s first hit for the Motown label after they scooped him up with Ric-Tic. That walking sound is Starr and Hitsville, USA’s janitor marching their damn feet on a wooden board in the studio. Hunh!
There You Go 45, 1973
Another Motown hit. This song kills me every time. Sweet and smooth with crispy horns.
Easin’ In Didn’t It Feel Good To Be Free OST, Hell Up In Harlem, 1974
“Hell Up In Harlem” was to “Black Caesar” what “Teen Wolf Too” was to “Teen Wolf”: the wrecked sequel to a masterpiece. After James Brown wrote the soundtrack to “Black Caesar,” he turned down the opportunity to write for the sequel; I guess homegirl didn’t have time in his wig-brushing schedule or something.
So Edwin took on the project instead, and unfortunately, since “Hell” turned out to be a hot mess, the soundtrack got no love at all. Which is a damn crime! “Didn’t It Feel Good To Be Free” is a sweet, sunny piece that has Edwin using the melodic side of his voice, with a totally early ’70s motown feel. And it just takes one listen to “Easin’ In” to see the truth. That track is damn near perfect, with its crazy undulating bassline and fanga snaps. Mmm!
War War and Peace, 1970
Oh, fine. Here you go. Take this and play it for your Iraq protest marches, or whatever it is that you people do.
Charles Wright and his Watts 103rd Street Rhythm Band might have had the most unnecessarily long band name ever. But Lawd have mercy, their 1971 record “Express Yourself” has a funk so stank, I want to wipe it down with a wet nap.
Back in 1988, NWA rhymed over the top to make the Golden Age classic of the same name. For a group known for pioneering the Gangsta genre, it was a pretty lighthearted song, and a huge hit.
And now some DJ named Statik Selektah (can’t these people ever use a damned “C”?) rounded up Talib Kweli, Consequence and MC of the moment Termanology to flip up NWA’s version again. And good God, it’s a hot one.
Is “Express Yourself” the most perfect break ever?
Charles Wright and the Watts 103rd Street Rhythm Band Express Yourself 7″, 1971 Never gets old.
NWA Express Yourself Straight Outta Compton, 1988 They’re expressing with their full capabilities, and now they’re living in correctional facilities.
Statik Selektah feat. Termanology, Talib Kweli and Consequence Express Yourself 08 CD Single, 2007 An homage to the NWA version, with a modern indie rapper feel.
If you were recording an impossibly funky dance album in 1984, what would you wear to the photo shoot for the cover? Stop thinking! Here is your checklist:
Don’t front like you don’t have those things in your closet right now. If you read this blog, you’re the type, end of story.
Back in boogie’s heydey, O’Bryan McCoy Burnette Jr. rocked every last one of those things, and together with Don emmer-effin’ Cornelius, put out some of the funkiest jammies to ever get up in your pleated jeans. Recognize:
O’Bryan The Gigolo Doin’ Alright, 1982
Look, I have no idea what this song is about. Something about a disrespectful guy who won’t dance? Just listen to it, it’s hot as hell.
I’m Freaky You And I You And I, 1983
Ladies, just because he’s shy - that doesn’t mean that he’s the guy for you. It does mean that he’s freaky, though, so bust it! Oh, and “You and I” is some easy listening slow jam written by Stevie Wonder.
Lovelite Be My Lover, 1984
O’Bryan knows how to make a damn video! “Lovelite” has everything you will ever ask for: robot dancing, jumpsuits, bare boobies, and jheri curls, jheri curls, jheri curls! Li’l Jon, are you listening? Warning: bare thonged man-ass at 1:48.
Prince is 49 today, and even though he’s weird and churchy and wears orthopedic shoes, I would still hit that without hesitation. And even though it would be difficult, I would even keep the swearing to a minimum, ’cause I know he’s not down with the profanity any more.
Happy birthday, Prince!
Prince Le Grind 2 Nigs United 4 West Compton The Black Album (Bootleg), 1987 Prince pulled this album from distribution two weeks before its release in 1987, either because he saw the damn devil, or he had some bad X, depending on who you ask. It’s his loosest, darkest and funkiest album, and this girl’s favorite. It was finally released in 1994, but by that time, any Prince fan worth his assless pants already had two copies.
Back in the day, “Le Grind” was the funkiest dance cut this side of Rick James, but the real joint on this album is “2 Nigs.” It’s a classic Revolution jam that you never want to end. And just when you get to a part that makes you say “good God!”, it gets even funkier.
I know folks get mad and say The Black Album was thrown together, and isn’t up to the Rude Boy’s usual standards, but to those people I have only this to say: Prince Does Not Make Mistakes. Y’all better keep it cute, or put it on mute.
The Time Tricky Ice Cream Castles 45, B-Side, 1984 Oh my damn. Morris Day and Prince eating chicken and hating on George Clinton. I’m about to take a mop and a bucket to those drums, they’re so damn funky.
And today, this girl finally got her paper straight. I got a new job, y’all. Oh, don’t get mad. Not everybody’s meant to be a high roller; you got to be dedicated to the life.
Look, I didn’t get up in this game by reading your “books” or taking “classes.” Hell naw. I learned my interactive strategy on the streets, wildin’ with my agency thugs. That’s how real I am.
So to celebrate, I give you my favorite employment-related cuts:
Amerie Gotta Work Because I Love It (Mixtape), 2007 Girlie R&B usually bores me to death; I don’t know why I love this little girl so much right now. But she’s very un-Beyonc\351, in that sister can sang. Without shrieking. This cut has her killin’ it over a hot drum break.
Big Daddy Kane I Get the Job Done It’s a Big Daddy Thing, 1989 Long live the Kane - he really knows the value of a hard day’s work. Especially when it entails working your woman over on the down low.
Kool Moe Dee I Go to Work Knowledge is King, 1989 1989 was a good year for rappers declaring their dedication to work. Sadly, Kool Moe Dee didn’t work hard enough to win his beef with LL Cool J, though. Maybe he should have put in a little overtime after 1990.
Prince Let’s Work Controversy, 1981 Possibly one of the funkiest party jammies ever. Just flip this on and try not to work it out.
What is the matter with people these days? Have we all forgotten what decent party music is?
“Disco-Dancing” lessons are no longer offered at my local bowling alley, afro puffs are sadly on the decline, and I don’t even remember the last time I saw a preview for a roller skating-themed movie.
When I asked my graphic designer if he knew what kind of music “boogie” was, he said to me, “Gretchen, I was born in the ’80s.” What does that even mean? That young people are deprived of boogie culture today, that’s what it means. It’s really quite sad. Everybody deserves the giddy bounce of a great roller jammie.
So here you go, shorties, 10 tracks for your rolling pleasure. Strap on your skates, hike up your suspenders, and get boogieing. You will thank me later.
I’ma tell you what the word is. “Word Up” is one broke-ass song. It wasn’t even good the first time. But after top 40 saturation and a Cherry Coke commercial, it was downright stank.
But Cameo was so much more than “Oww.” All right, they were a lot of “Oww,” especially after 1984. But back in the ’70s and early ’80s, these brothers threw it down dirty. Way before the red codpiece, Larry Blackmon and company had a hot horn section and that inexplicable funkiness that settled right in your gut.
Not that there’s anything wrong with a red codpiece.
Cameo Rigor Mortis Cardiac Arrest, 1977 The original, the classic. If you don’t bounce to that hook, we’ll be over right directly with that embalming fluid for you.
Shake Your Pants Cameosis, 1980 Exuberant, irresistible boogie cut. Ooooh… ah-ah. You’ll need extra pants for shaking.
Alligator Woman Just Be Yourself Alligator Woman, 1982 “Alligator Woman,” Cameo’s paean to the worst girlfriend in the world, can get repetitive, but dayum, I’m a sucker for that bassline. “Be Yourself” is crazy twangy, slappy bass with ridiculous lyrics. Kind of a self-help jam for the funky set. Only dumber. But funky.
Fact! Detroit is my home town, and I’m straight bananas for all things hip hop, but I only recently started listening to Slum Village.
But in defense of my own street cred, (1) I moved away from the Dirty D in 1992, way before SV even formed, and (2) Slum Village is the kind of music that hip hop heads are supposed to like, what with its unique, quality production and underground appeal. And I hate that pretentious bullshit. For me, “good” music meets one of two criteria:
- Does it make my ass bounce? - Or - - Does it make me want to french somebody?
If the answer to either of these questions is yes, I will bust that song.
And Slum Village is so often described as “underrated” or “quality,” it’s easy to avoid it purely on the Pitchfork Principle (Thou Shalt Not Agree with Backpack Reviewers). Add all the crazy fawning over deceased founding member J. Dilla’s body of work, and it all just made me want to take a nap.
But then I read somewhere that Slum Village’s label is owned by R.J. Rice, the very R.J. of ’80s Detroit dance relic R.J.’s Latest Arrival! Now, I have fond memories of bouncing my ass to some R.J.’s. So I thought I’d pay some attention.
I’m happy to report that there are both ass bouncing and frenching elements in many Slum Village tracks.
Slum Village What it’s All About Feat. Busta Rhymes Fantastic Vol. 2, 2000 Ass bouncer with the still-great Busta adding some rhymes to Jay Dee’s flow. Rolling bassline with an old-schoolish feel, and you know I dig that.
Tainted Feat. Dwele Trinity (Past, Present and Future), 2002 It’s a frencher. Dilla-supplied beats with Dwele’s silky crooning. Bust this one with your Maxwell and your D’Angelo.
Itz Your World Feat. Kurupt Prequel to a Classic, 2005 So that’s what happened to Kurupt! I lost track of him after his Death Row masterpiece. Produced by J. Dilla and R.J. Rice’s son, Young R.J.
R. J.’s Latest Arrival Shackles 12″, 1985 Futuristic, computer-enhanced plea to the DJ to “take these shackles off my feet.” Awesome, horrible lyrics, down to the “I wanna hit the DJ with a baseball bat!” Classic electro funk.
Look, I knew what I was getting into when I moved my ass back to the Midwest. Football, freezing winters and casseroles. For real, did you know you can feed six at a potluck with not much more than a can of cream soup and some Tater Tots?
You already know who Edwin Starr is from that hippie “War” song he did way back in 1970. I heard that damn song so many times, I’m starting to think it was written by the government or The Gap or some shit.
Hey y’all - check my new bloggy blog. What do you think? It’s more, no?
If you were recording an impossibly funky dance album in 1984, what would you wear to the photo shoot for the cover? Stop thinking! Here is your checklist:
